This is the beginning of my book. Since I am not a professional writer by any stretch of the imagination, I need your help. Please let me know what you think of it.
Lessons of Grace
I never wanted to write a book. That was never my intention. But here I am, sharing the lessons of grace that I learned from my own Gracie girl with others. I have wondered why I feel so driven to share this story when I cannot shake the feeling of my own inadequacy in writing. It is because I have met death.
I saw the change that came over her body as death took my child from me, even as I rocked her in my arms. I felt the coldness of her body after death claimed her. I walked the snow covered path leading to her grave on the day that we laid her body in the cold, hard ground. I saw this; I felt this; I lived this. But this is only half of the story. What I have not yet mentioned is that while I mourned deeply for my cherished baby girl, I did not despair. Not because I am stoic, and not because I am brave. I felt no despair because there was, and still remains, no cause for it.
"Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help
thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness." -Isaiah 41:10
I met death, and yet I hope. I hope because I felt that strengthening Isaiah speaks of. I felt that help. I felt it through my family, friends, neighbors, but most powerfully from that God who spoke those words. I know of Jesus Christ’s reality, and I know that He is aware of our deepest struggles. When I reflect back on my story, tears come to my eyes. Tears come as I realize that I, a 24-year-old woman who burns everything she bakes, loves the outdoors and sports, and sometimes forgets how to do basic algebra, walked through the hospital doors exiting to the parking garage, leaving the cold body of my tiny baby inside of it. I walked through those doors with floods of tears in my eyes, but just as much hope. I knew that my baby was safe, and that she was escorted by special spirits to the other side of the veil. I knew that she was no longer in pain. And I knew that I would see her again.
If God was with me through one of the most emotionally painful experiences I can imagine, then I cannot doubt that He is with me as I struggle with my own imperfections, my relationships, my finances and other aspects of daily living. That is why I write this book. I write it because I know that I am not the anomaly. I am not the exception. I am not one of God’s favorites, feeling His grace, mercy and strength as others are forced to manage on their own. God is no respecter of persons, and thus He is at my side and at yours, aiding and supporting each of us as we traverse this life.
So though it is often difficult for me to find the right words to convey my sometimes tangential thoughts and feelings, I continue to write. I struggle to balance the palpable emotional drama of this story with the non-tangible yet powerful truths. I keep typing, deleting, and typing again, hoping that readers can understand that in my moment of greatest pain and loss, I was able to feel greatest love from my God.